Bruce: The only thing worse than having a job is looking for one.
_____________________________________________________
Dave: We've discovered the cause of cancer.
Bruce: I'm sorry I caused all that cancer.
_____________________________________________________
Dave: It's still too soon to say, but I might not be stupid.
_____________________________________________________
Scott: I guess now we're behind schedule.
Bruce: No we're not. I pencilled in a family blowout.
_____________________________________________________
Kevin: I'll get you the ring later.
_____________________________________________________
Mark: I'm crushing your head! That's what I'm doing! Flathead!
_____________________________________________________
Bruce: He died on him! He died right on him! He died right on his own twin brother!
Mark: You know they left the world 7 seconds apart. Isn't that the same way they came in?
_____________________________________________________
Kevin: What were you thinking about?
Mark: Oh, you know, just listening to the band.
Kevin: Listening to what band?
Mark: Oh, you know, when you drift away, when you daydream, you always see the tiny little Oompah Band.
_____________________________________________________
Mark: This is fantastic! A whole world of imagination beyond the Oompah Band!
_____________________________________________________
Mark: As I recall, there was nobody home!
Kevin: There's nobody home!
Mark: You know, if we do this for a month, we live here rent free!
_____________________________________________________
Dave: Something you might not know about me is that I have a good attitude toward menstration.
_____________________________________________________
Dave: Why, is that pie I smell?
Bruce: No! It's the smell of my daddy dying!
_____________________________________________________
Dave: So, what do you want to be when you grow up?
Bruce: Oh, maybe a doctor like you, or a corpse, uh, I mean a farmer like my daddy.
_____________________________________________________
Mark: I see no other alternative than to issue a restraining order which means that Mr. Underwood cannot come within 500 feet of himself.
_____________________________________________________
Bruce: Here's the plan: First, I'm going to kick your ass, then I'm going to kick the asses of your friends in alphabetical order.
Kevin: So he's gonna need some names.
_____________________________________________________
Dave: We've been coming here for fifty years and performing anal probes and all we've learned is that 1 in 10 doesn't really seem to mind.
Kevin: Well, do you have a better plan than our great leader's?
Dave: Yes, I do. I do have a better plan. My plan is that we don't travel 250,000 light years, we don't abduct any humans, and--this is the best part--we don't do any anal probing.
_____________________________________________________
Scott: What do I look like, the Grinch who stole Christmas?
_____________________________________________________
Scott: Hello? Police? Yeah, I'd like to report a nude woman at the 7-11 in about 15 minutes.
_____________________________________________________
Bruce: I'm a vegetarian.
Scott: He only eats Lucky Charms and beer.
_____________________________________________________
Scott: I won't fry anything. I'm too angry to fry.
_____________________________________________________
Scott: Technically, it isn't really adultry. He is a beaver, after all.
_____________________________________________________
Bruce: If William Shakespeare were alive today, he wouldn't be writing plays. He'd be writing answering machine messages.
_____________________________________________________
Scott: You know how I hate to gossip.
Bruce: And you you know how I hate to listen.
Scott: Well, there's gossip, then there's common knowledge.
Bruce: Well, it will be once you tell me.
_____________________________________________________
Bruce: Tell me, are you drunk because you're stupid, or are you stupid because you're drunk?
_____________________________________________________
Bruce: Why did you marry your husband?
Scott: Well, I marry him for Canadian citizenship. In my circle, is very chic. Besides, I get to study woodland animal. I like the beaver, but the wolverine is my favorite...only one who kill for pleasure!
Bruce: So, you're admitting you didn't marry your husband for love?
Scott: No, of course not!
Bruce: If he knew that, why do you think he married you?
Scott: I told him to.
Kevin: Happiest day of my life.
______________________________________________________
Dave: Now, Gavin, do you believe that if you were to inflate a dog with helium that you could float it on the end of a string?
Bruce: I do.
______________________________________________________
Mark: Macaroni, and catsup, and tapeworm food!
Bruce: Man, we're set for life!
______________________________________________________
Bruce and Mark: We're Nutty Bunnies!
Bruce: I'm Nutty Bunny Number One, I like to frolic in the sun.
Mark: I'm Nutty Bunny Number Two, I love me, and I love you.
Kevin: I'm Nutty Bunny Number Three, the cutest bunny is always me.
______________________________________________________
Bruce: Apparently, we're not Nutty Bunnies after all, we're just college guys.
______________________________________________________
Scott: Andrew Dice Clay is phonier than Milli Vanilli.
______________________________________________________
Bruce: I'm not unreasonable! I'm a Nutty Bunny! I don't like to complain, I like to frolic!
______________________________________________________
Scott: You are from United States, no?
Dave: Um, no, I'm Canadian actually. It's like an American, but without a gun.
______________________________________________________
Bruce: The only name that suited him (Bruce's dog) was "Small Mammal with whom I Live a Lie."
______________________________________________________
Bruce: As long as I live, I shall never forget the night I connected with my dog.
______________________________________________________
Mark: Who would want to steal my bike?
Bruce: Thieves!
______________________________________________________
Kevin: Geez! It's the fricking Village People!
______________________________________________________
Scott: What would you call someone who flew around the world performing oral sex on men for free?
Kevin: An angel!
_____________________________________________________
Dave: Wait a minute! Are you trying to do my husband?
Scott: Well, I prefer to call it "sexual healing."
_____________________________________________________
Dave: Are a lot of angels gay?
Scott: Well, let's just say that a lot of us used to be waiters.
_____________________________________________________
Bruce: Should I call you "Evan," or do you have a different name?
Kevin: My name is Don.
Bruce: Really? I had a friend named Don once. I saved his life.
Kevin: (Pauses) Thank you?
Bruce: Don't mention it.
______________________________________________________
Bruce: Dad, I have some bad news for you.
Kevin: Yeah?
Bruce: You're not going to Heaven.
Kevin: Surprise, surprise.
______________________________________________________
Bruce: I think of it (Jazz) as musical barf.
______________________________________________________
Dave: You don't know the meaning of hell 'til you've dealt with the Tokyo police, pal!
______________________________________________________
Mark: Get your hands off my family!
______________________________________________________
Kevin: How do I look? How do I look?
Dave: Ungodly!
______________________________________________________
Mark: You know, sometimes I think you like that back more than you like me!
Bruce: But baby, it's my back! I can't walk without it!
______________________________________________________
Mark: What do you think, Shawny? Do you like it (pink hair)?
Kevin: There's so much evil in the world!
______________________________________________________
Mark: I speak English very okay.
______________________________________________________
Dave: Well, it's been great running into you. Go away now.
______________________________________________________
Bruce: To err is human, to spread for me--divine!
______________________________________________________
Bruce: A guy's gotta get shot in the head to get laid now-a-days!
______________________________________________________
Kevin: I'm not going nowhere!
Mark: Ha! Moron! Moron! "Not going nowhere" is a double negative, which means you're going somewhere! Ha!
_______________________________________________________
Kevin: Coulda been worse. Coulda used to be smart.
_______________________________________________________
Scott: Sir, I'm going to need your full undivided attention.
Bruce: Sure, as long as I can also watch TV at the same time.
_______________________________________________________
Scott: Paul Lynde, what a genius!
_______________________________________________________
Scott: Let's say grace...let us bow our heads...Dear Uncle Paul...
(A portrait of Paul Lynde is shown above the table) ...Help us to always maintain the standards
of Center Square
______________________________________________________