Do you have similar qualities with one, more, or all of the Kids?
You might be a Dave if you:
-lick lobsters for good luck-have a good attititude towards menstration
-are gap-toothed -nobody likes you (so you ate some worms)
-have an amazing addiction to coffee-are unimpessed when your best friend dies
-ever crushed someone's throat as they rode by on their bike
-have a former girlfriend who has married an evil man (NR)
-are a man, but somehow look better as a woman (NR)
-Will ONLY participate in "group-hugs" if your girlfriend instigates them (NR)
-have a family that isn't family
-are opposed to anal probing
-are not a multiple orgasm person
-have pickle nightmares
-call the wrong number and threaten the person on the other end
-will ONLY answer the phone if yyou are expecting a phone call
-are an axe murderer, but are still a very polite person
-are a clearly insane person, but always deny it (as does your "sister")
-speak with a French accent, but cannot speak French itself
-require a minimum of 23 1/2 hours of sleep every day
-cannot tell the difference between 1 roomate versus 44 roomates
-your people celebrate "Le Poupee"
-you hate fat people
You might be a Bruce if you:
-know many Daves-get crazy when people can't figure out how time works
-named your dog "small mammal with whom I live a lie"
-know the only thing worse than having a job is looking for one
-have stolen your neighbor's gazebo
-tried to get on Worker's Comp because you hate your job so much
-pronounce your own name the wrong way just to be evil
-eat seemingly inedible objects for money
-know many strange kids in your class
-remember that no one understands you
-have been the cause of cancer
-remember to pencil in family blowouts before going on trips
-like to fight people three times your size
-eat onions, Lucky Charms, and beer (and sometimes onions)
-have ever been more confused than a horny bisexual in an orgy
-get irritated by people who put bandanas on their dogs
-hate reggae music
-get so drunk twice a year that you piss the bed
-do not like dogs that aren't...terrier
-are very over-protective of your pens
-were offended by your bigot date
-believe that if you ever lose use of your "greeting" hand, you cannot meet any new people
-if you ever brought home a stray business man
-say "heaven-o" instead of "hell-o"
You might be a Kevin if you:
-put salt in your eyes, though everyone tells you not to
-have ever challenged the Headcrusher-miraculously die and come back to life all the time
-have swallowed a wedding ring-nobody likes you (so you ate so ate some worms)
-know to look at your face is to look at the face of evil
-can't get married because you'll always get hit, no matter who you're with
-have had an angel perform oral sex on you
-are friends with a chicken lady
-hate your mother's pink hair
-unsuccessfully tried to impress your bigot date
-tried to bite a waiter who never gave you your water
-are not allowed to come within 500 feet of yourself
-are a cleary insane person, but always deny it (as does your "sister")
-think that furry slippers are just as good for work as steel-toed boots
You might be a Mark if you:
-crush heads for a living
-bought eight plungers from a really good salesman
-speak English very okay
-are jealous of your fiancee's back
-have a hard time figuring out who's a man and who's a woman
-hear tiny little Oompah bands everytime you daydream
-told all the taxpayers to go screw themselves
-are friends with a bearded lady
-explode everytime you get turned on
-are very good with accents
-have a great talent, but your boss doesn't recognize it (ahem...Lorne...)
-do a great impression of your boss (Take that, Lorne!)
-wear your watch on your right wrist (and you're right-handed)
-drive a cab and are a bigot
You might be a Scott if you:
-give interesting, humorous monologues
-are a homosexual and even dogs know it
-are a waiter
-are the nephew of Rip Taylor
-have a beaver for a son
-forced your husband to marry you
-like the wolverine better than other animals because it kills for pleasure
-told a man you were an angel just to "sexually heal" him
-have ever called 555-jerk and reached one of your friends
-think people are too full of themselves on Gay Pride Day
-disassembled a man and flushed his parts down a toilet
-can never afford to pay cabbies, but you take cabs anyway
-constantly switch your "watch wrist" (The wrist you wear your watch on)
-have also syolen your neighbor's gazebo
-believe that the image of "God" is a lot like Oprah
-believe that all "Queens" should get a special discount at stores
-have an "Uncle Paul" whom you pray to
-believe that people "who what society considers to be so-called normal are quite often the real freaks"
-your son ever brought home a stray business man
-believe Dick Sargent (Darrin #2) was the "sexier" of the two Darrins on Bewitched (Dick York was the first)
People have played with Crazee Glue since June 5, 2001.
It's a Fabio world, but you know what? It's also a Brucio world! I am Brucio! I fall asleep with the TV on, I hate Reggae music, I am Brucio! I eat spaghetti for breakfast, I call my mom collect, she doesn't care! She knows I'm Brucio! I get drunk and cynical! Twice a year I get so drunk, I piss the bed! But I don't care, because I'm Brucio!
Angel--a gay man who has died and now flies around the world performing oral sex on men for free
(Are a lot of angels gay?::Well, let's just say that a lot of us used to be waiters.)
Censor Criminal--Comedy Central, after they decided to censor the 3:30am rare KITH episodes, then for when they stopped showing rarities and play re-re-re-reruns, and then for pulling the 3:30am airing off the air altogether (That Censor Criminal is ungrateful for everything KITH has done for their ratings, and for all the compliments all the Kids in the Hall have given them.)
Fairyland--a place where foundlings live
(The fairies will come and take you to Fairyland, Fran.)
Foundling--someone who is unsure of his/her heritage. Supposedly comes from Fairyland
(I have something to confess. I'm a foundling! For all I know, I could be Italian!)
Gary--someone who used to be gay
(Gary, are you gay again?)
Gavinish--acting like Gavin or speaking in a Gavin-like tone, accompanied by sticking your tongue out after you talk
(If you eat onions, and ride a bike, and annoy butchers and cops, and pester your mother, you are very Gavinish.)
Lorne--problem, damn, burden, hard-ass, one who has trouble recognizing others' talents
(That Lorne kept preventing Mark from letting him show his true talents on SNL.)
Lornespiracy--conspiracy among networks to sacrifice the Kids for bullshit
(The Kids in the Hall used to be on twelve times a week, but a Lornespiracy reduced that number to five, then none.)
Mowing the Lawn--the unknown whereabouts of member #5 during a sketch which features 4 members of the Troupe
(I see Dave, Kevin, Mark and Scott in this sketch. Where's Bruce? Mowing the lawn.)
Number Flat--someone who challenges the Headcrusher and loses
(I''m number one! I'm number one!::No! You're number flat!)
Oompah Band--the little tiny band one sees while daydreaming
(You know when you drift away, when you daydream, you always see a little tiny Oompah Band.)
Roses--a flower that a married man tries to give to another woman. May also be spelled ro-sez
(I'm not gonna spread for no ro-sez!)
Sizzler--a clearly insane person with a wig and a stolen donkey. May travel in pairs
(I'm Jerry Sizzler and this is my sister...Jerry Sizzler! We are two lounge singers and not two clearly insane people!)
Taxpayers--the people who pay for a show and, in turn, get screwed
(I would like to say "hi" to all the taxpayers, and screw you.)
Watch-Righty--someone who wears their watch on their right wrist as opposed to the common left wrist
(Mark's a watch-righty like me.)
Yuppie--one who is in danger of getting his/her head crushed
(Where are you going, jogger? You're a yuppie!...I crush your head!)
Brain Candy Characters and Quotes
Marv--"We kicked penicillin's sorry ass!"
New Guy--"Yeah! Come on! Let's celebrate!"
Psychiatrist--"You are gay. Y-y-you are gay. You are a homosexual. The opposite of straight. You're gay. I know it. Your family knows it. DOGS know it!"
Raymond Hurdicure--"Sorry we're a few hours late there, ma, but you know how the kids hate old people."
Alice--"I was in love with you, you know. I can have anyone. I'm beautiful!"
Cancer Boy--"Hi, docter. I'm Cancer Boy. I'd like to thank you for your marvelous drug...There's no hope for me, but my parents are on it, though."
Cisco--"You're not a plate of croissants. Can you get me something to eat before I chew my fucking hand off?"
Cop #2--"We didn't charge him, ma'am. We thought bringing him home bare-ass naked was punishment enough."
Grivo--"I just heard about this new drug that makes you happy. I just wanna say FUCK HAPPY!!!"
White Trash Man--"Sure I told you about it, baby, but don't shoot the messenger."
Worms Scientist--"This is a pill that will give worms to ex-girlfriends."
Chris' Father--"Did you give the gun a good cleaning?"
Dr. Chris Cooper--(To a senior citizen)"Work hard and stay in school."
Doreen--"Were the handcuffs totally necessary, officer?"
Lacey--"You're not getting dollar one, you ugly man!"
Cabbie--"Life is short. Life is shit, and soon it will be over."
Cop #1--"Ma'am, I'd just like to say that I don't understand how a man like this can get up to these kind of poor shinanigans with a lovely piece of ass like yourself waiting at home."
Don Roritor--"You son of a bitch! We're number one!"
Drill Sargeant--"Do you know what we're going to do today? Well, we're going to be doing push-ups--all day! You and me! All day!"
Gunther--(Translated from German)"The nipples of Mother Hope have run dry."
Melanie--"It's going to be amazing, ain't it?"
Nina Bedford--"He does look like a young Tom Jones!"
Simon--"Isn't it a little early in the research phase to be releasing a new drug?"
White Trash Woman--"How can you sleep with my best friend and then tell me about it?"
Baxter--"Chris, she's depressed, not stupid."
Big Stummies Scientist--"Well, there have been a few flipper babies."
Clemptor--"And now, ze award for ze best rap, hip-hop, or folk act."
Malek--"Jesus, I mean Dr. Cooper, gave me his drug. Now I'm more productive. I'm a security guard with a gun."
Mrs. Hurdicure--"I feel like God's rubbing my tummy."
Queen--"The drug is approved. Next?"
Raj--"They make them jack off? That's bullshit!"
Wally Terzinsky--"You know what this is like? A Three's Company episode! Somebody came in the wrong door and all hell broke loose!"